Writers & Their Sex Appeal

This post is a part of an ongoing series entitled MIP {Man In Progress}. After my 25th Birthday I decided to improve three aspects of my life, and one of those aspects was my romantic relationships. My philosophy is that a writer’s work and his life are irrevocably intertwined and in order to improve one we inevitably have to improve the other.

Today, I want to talk about sex appeal.

I know, I know. I made you uncomfortable just by writing down the word “sex”–and that, I think, is part of the problem.

You see, somewhere down the line, I don’t know how or when, but writers stopped being sexy.

Was it because we were so sick of trying to live up to ideal notions of sexiness represented in magazines, advertisements, television shows, and movies, that we just gave up trying?

Whatever it was, just because we don’t feel like we can live up to mainstream notions of sexiness, doesn’t mean we have to give up being sexy all together.

Sure, we can tip-toe anxiously around our sexiness for the rest of our lives in order to avoid having to deal with its lack of resemblance to the ideal, but then we would be ignoring an important part of us that drives our confidence in many areas of our lives.

Why not, instead of ignoring our sexiness, we redefine what sexy means for us–and reclaim it as our own?

What Is Sexiness?

Recently, I realized that I needed to get past several insecurities if I wanted to open myself up to a new relationship; and it was actually finding my “sexiness” that helped me move past those insecurities.

This is because true sexiness has a lot to do with confidence.

We all know that no matter how physically attractive a guy or girl is, it’s their confidence that makes us really attracted to them. Without confidence, we simply aren’t drawn to that person, no matter how physically “sexy” they are.

That’s why, personally, I’ve redefined “sexiness” as being secure and confident in one’s own body and in one’s true, authentic self.

Sexiness is loving every part of your body, no matter how “unfit” or imperfect it is. Sexiness is loving every part of your personality, no matter how “quirky” or strange it is.

This is my definition, but in the end, true sexiness is only what we define it as.

For example, when I think of what I find sexy in a guy, some of the traits I am attracted to are things like intelligence, a sense of humor, or kindness.

However, these traits are ones that the mainstream culture would say a “sexy person” can easily do without.

And yet, for me, these traits are essential to my view of what is truly sexy.

2 Ways Writers Can Feel Sexy Again

So, how can we redefine sexy and reclaim it as our own?

Well, we can do two things:

1. We can make a list of what we find sexy in our partner, or in our potential partner. (i.e., intelligence, a sense of humor, kindness, etc.)

2. Then, we can look at that list, and instead of looking for a person who fits this list, we can see how we can exhibit those sexy qualities in ourselves in our every day life.

When I did these exercises myself, I found that, first of all: traits that were not conventionally seen as sexy (such as being kind), made me feel very confident and sexy nonetheless.

Second, I realized that part of my sense of sexiness came from me not trying to desperately live up to what others deemed as “sexy.”

I discovered that when you break away from conventional notions of “sexiness,” ironically, you feel very sexy doing so. Being confident and comfortable in your own skin, when you feel like you’re supposed to live up to some mainstream ideal of sexiness, makes you feel like a rebel. And rebels, by their very nature, are very sexy.

Bringing Sexy Back… For Writers

The best way to feel sexy again is to take back the definition of “sexiness” from the mainstream culture and make “sexy” your own.

Once you redefine sexiness for yourself, under your own terms, you may start to get more attention from the opposite (or same) sex.

And what do you know? That confidence and sexiness might even spill over into your writing, and you may find yourself getting more and more work done.

Who knew feeling sexy could not only do a lot for your relationships, but could also do a lot for your writing routine?

So, what are you waiting for?

Redefine sexy. Reclaim your own sexiness. Then do your little turn on the catwalk.

much sexy,


How do you define sexy? What do you do to reclaim your sexiness every day? Please share with us in the comments below!

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19 comments on “Writers & Their Sex Appeal

  1. Christina says:

    Great post Ollin!

    You’re so right that we have to define sexy for ourselves. It’s a question of being OK with yourself (flaws and all), because that makes you OK with others (with their own quirks) and not only does that make you sexy, it also helps you build a long-lasting relationship.

    And thanks for listing kindness, intelligence and sense of humor as sexy. Honestly, how can physical sexiness be perceived as the be-all end-all? It would be like dating a Ken-doll, brainless and empty.

    • Ollin says:

      Thanks Christina! You’re right. I’m just not into brainless Ken dolls. Not my type. Also: Not. Sexy. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us!

  2. Christina says:

    Oh, by the way, good idea to feature Patrick Dempsey in the photo:))

    • Ollin says:

      Yeah, did you get that idea of someone trying to copy the mainstream ideal of sexiness? Anyways, that’s what I was going for. Glad you liked it!

  3. clarbojahn says:

    Kindness was always a turn on for me. When I was dating again after my late husband died, I gave my dates points for kindness. And compassion, empathy and the ability to forgive. 🙂

  4. karenselliott says:

    I’d like you to get back to me about “sexy” when you are 53 y.o. If I’m around then, which I probably won’t be because I’m 53 now. But I did enjoy this post!

  5. cplangford says:

    Compassion’s a big one for me as well. I like to think that most writers are compassionate though, especially fiction writers, since we’re constantly forced to put ourselves in another’s shoes.

  6. Kelli A says:

    This is so great. Everyone’s heard this kind of stuff before, but you managed to say it in a way that made me get it. Most of the time I feel that my sexiness quotient is based on my nearness to conventional sexiness molds.

    For a moment there, I saw how sexy I could be if you just add confidence because I’m already interesting, intelligent, and funny (of course!). But insecurity is so distracting and such a drag.

    Don’t know if I managed to articulate this the way I wanted, but maybe you get it.

    • Ollin says:

      Exactly, the confidence comes with realizing that what you think is sexy is what makes you sexy! What makes you feel unsexy is believing what others believe is sexy. If that makes sense.

  7. Good for you, Ollin, for bringing up the ‘s’ word. I love how you reframe it for yourself and for us.

    I for one feel very sexy after a writing session and I do think it has to do with the confidence I’ve generated from the writing.

    I made a video “What’s Sexy” – feel free to check it out for some French sexiness! http://youtu.be/RXhPDnjcSy4

    Feeling sexier already. Thanks!

  8. I think you hit it on the head with confidence–as long as they’ve got something to back it up with. I was trying to get work done in a coffee shop a couple weeks ago, and a girl kept forcing eye contact. She couldn’t have done a better job of sticking herself in my brain if she’d stood up and started stripping right there.

    On a side note, a writer’s got to have a fair bit of relationship experience if they want the relationships in their work to come across as genuine. Nervousness, heartbreak, confusion, elation, and oh-god-why-did-I-say-THAT are feelings that can’t be manufactured, only transferred from inside to the paper.

  9. Hear hear!

    There are some writers these days who still have plenty of sex-appeal (Neil Gaiman comes to mind at once, as well as John Green), but you’re absolutely right, it’s not as common to see writers as sexy.

    Which is odd, because personally, I find intelligence to be incredibly sexy. I’ve yet to meet a good writer who isn’t intelligent. Hence… sexy and writer should go together easily!

  10. […] Writers & Their Sex Appeal by Olin. Ok, you can laugh at the title. But I love his opinion on sexiness. “Why not, instead of ignoring our sexiness, we redefine what sexy means for us–and reclaim it as our own?” I don’t agree with Olin on a lot of things, but this one I do. […]

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